9/30/24

 6:30 am

    I was having an extremely vivid dream about something that doesn’t matter now before H nudged me awake to turn off the alarm faintly chiming. Our room was washed in a bright orange. Eyes focusing, I could see the sun rising over the church at the end of the street. I sat up briefly and looked at the bronze light forming on the buildings towards the west. The gathering of birds atop the church looked to still be sleeping.  This was the second week we spent without blinds. I didn't mind it at all. I drifted back into my dream, hitting snooze over and over again until finally getting out of bed at 7:30.

    As I was getting ready, I startlingly realized what day it was and felt unnerved. The last day of September. Where had my mind been? I’ve spent the entire month wanting so badly to go home. Home to see my parents. I wanted to see the leaves change. Wanted to wake up and head downstairs to make coffee and sit on their big porch in the autumn morning air. I wanted to spend my father’s birthday together. I love being home around this time.

    This is my favorite time of year. Between the end of September and the middle of November. The weather still fluctuates and the leaves begin to change and fall. I’ll sit in my windowsill in the morning to enjoy my coffee. I’ll read a book while I watch the people below walk on by. The sun sits low in the sky and I find it to be very beautiful everyday.

    On the train, I let my mind dissolve into thoughts of large piles of leaves. I’m lying on red and brown foliage, waving my arms up and down in the shape of angels wings. We used to rake up large piles of leaves in my best friends yard and jump in them. Lying on top of them when we got tired from playing. I can smell the sweet, earthy decay. I can feel the cold—it was always so bitterly cold.

3:59 pm

    Stepping out for a cigarette. I’ve been thinking of how peaceful it is to cry to yourself while sitting in the street or to tear up quietly on the train. That’s just how I’ve been feeling—like I could cry a single tear just to feel a bit of relief, sort of like stretching and feeling your back crack.

    Before leaving the house I grabbed Banana Yoshimoto’s The Lake. When I first read it, I thought it was incredibly beautiful but didn’t fully absorb it. Rereading, I’m taking it in completely. I can feel tears welling up as I turn the pages. I could shed a single tear while reading on the train or just by thinking about the passage I had read while walking down the street. It’s akin to how I felt reading Joan Didion’s My Year of Magical Thinking. I don’t think I could ever finish that book without crying.

7:24 pm

It’s dark out now. I hope to dream of falling leaves.


Playlist

Drama - Roy Woods

THINGS & SUCH - PARTYNEXTDOOR

Tell Your Friends - The Weeknd

The Percocet & Stripper Joint - Future

Borrowed Love - Metro Boomin

Ending Song - The Promise of the World - Merry-Go-Round of Life - Chieko Baisho


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