16 journal entries from 2024

 01/11/24

7:27 pm

    I have my headphones on noise cancellation as I drive on the FDR to Brooklyn. Ryuichi Sakamoto’s 20211130 is playing. The reverberation makes me feel lighter. The tunnel lights changing shape in the dark car comfort me. Drifting.

02/06/24

5 am

    We’re in a car headed to JFK. Still dark out, the moon catches my eye. It’s a sliver. I don’t wear my headphones, I listen to the talk radio the driver has playing. A slight breeze from the crack in his window cools my face while the heated seat keeps me warm.

    We’re sat at the gate. H grabs coffee and I read my book. I look up to see an astonishing sunrise. People are rushing to catch their flights. I stare into the sun. J and T don’t arrive until near boarding time. We’re all sat separately. I finished Banana Yoshimoto’s Kitchen, which I had started on my flight back to New York in December. I shed a few tears. The flight is shorter than I thought. I write this with a little over 30 minutes left. I can’t wait to breathe in the air of an unfamiliar place.

6:05 pm

    Dinner at Miss Lily’s. I saw my first sunset out of the county through shuttered windows. I can feel the breeze on my skin. Reprise from the New York winter. A light buzz, the ocean breeze, my exhaustion setting in and and the dim lighting of Miss Lily’s is making me feel like I’m in a dream.

10:08 pm

    Lying in bed after a warm shower. I’m looking at the tall ceilings of our rental, being hypnotized to sleep by the slow turning of the ceiling fan. The low rumble of waves coming through a window I opened earlier is acting as my lullaby. I’m thinking of the hammock on the beach I’ll be arranging myself in come morning.

03/12/24

    Very beautiful day. 64° at its peak. I walk out of the apartment at around 10:30 am. The air is a little crisp but you can feel the warmth that’ll come from the sun. It’s days like this that have me trying to wrap my head around being on a planet with just the perfect conditions to end up this way. And here I am.

3:45 pm

    Sitting at Pisellino in the setting sun with L. A few drinks in, the air is so beautiful.

    And as I head home, the sun sets further and the air starts to cool. The mood begins to change and I grow hopeful towards the future. I breath in and all feels well. I might buy some wine. I need to buy dijon.

03/23/24

    I’m lying in bed again. All of Wednesday and Thursday and now Saturday. Friday I mustered the energy to go to work. I don’t want to get up again. It’s raining. I’ve left all the lights off and I’m laying in bed with the blinds closed. The TV is on in the living room playing, at a low volume, Anthony Bourdain's A Cooks Tour.

05/26/24

    Cat napping in the backseat while R drives us back to the city. Bright lights force my eyes open, we’re at a gas station. I step out onto an island surrounded by darkness, occupied only by the shop and us. We’re in Hudson. The humidity is strong, I can hear the wildlife chirping in the darkness. This feels like the south. R and I remark on how fast he was driving as we pick out snacks for the rest of the ride. I say it felt smooth, as if we were on a train.

05/30/24

    One day I saw an old man taking a stroll while eating an apple. I thought I’d give it a try and am pleasantly surprised to find it freeing and meditative.

06/6/24

2:47 pm

    I’m in flatiron for work. I knew it would rain today but wasn’t sure when till I looked down 5th Ave to see the street had disappeared. I duck into S&P for lunch. Quiet. A kid plays with the salt and pepper shakers, a man with a pensive face sits beside me. I order a patty melt, fries, and an iced tea. Every time the door opens a cool breeze comes in. Customers are standing outside under the awning while the rain comes down. I’m listening to Kitchen Confidential on tape.

06/21/24

    Midsummer in Norway. Beautiful day. H and I walk the town after eating some cinnamon buns at a cafe. I take an hour nap around 5 pm and wake to go to dinner. The spot is very cute, the food is fine. I love how the napkins upon the table are sort of just crumpled up and thrown on with the flatware laying atop in an unorganized way. We leave and walk in the sun to a vinyl listening bar. The sun stays even though it's 10 pm. Second day drunk. Feels like a dream.

06/22/24 

    Day 3 in Norway. Raining. We take the ferry to the island J lives on. They have a view of the fjord. H, G, and N jump in the water from the dock attached to the cliff. It didn’t occur to me that it would be salt water. I licked it off H’s hand. We have coffee and cinnamon buns.

07/03/24

10:22 pm

    I finish the dishes and sit down to drink the remaining bit of wine we had opened for dinner. H and I sit alone in the dimly lit room, a light jazz piece is playing in the background. There’s a strong breeze coming through the open windows. I’ve seen this scene before.

08/21/24

9 pm

K, H, and I leave N’s rooftop after it grows colder and the sun fades. We head to Commerce for a night cap. 3 drinks later we all jump in the black car I ordered and head home. Lying in that comfortable seat, K and I hold hands as we all sing to the Hollie’s The Air That I Breathe. This black car smells like a plane but in the way that you’re on a red eye flight and are just about to land. Anticipating. I play Mazzy Star’s Rose Blood and H remarks on how good the song is. As we arrive at our place and H and I get out, K says “this is what the night was meant for”. It’s been almost a year since he had left, it has felt like so much longer. The air coming through the window was so perfect and the drive went by faster than normal. We were all at peace.

08/31/24

    H makes sandwiches for everyone while I make cookies. After lunch and after the first batch of cookies come out of the oven L and R go back and forth discussing random hypotheticals such as: what they would do if they knew the world was ending and how many cookies or whole chickens they could eat in one sitting.

    L mentions something I’ve never considered when thinking about the end of the world, in that, most people would probably stop doing their jobs so wanting to do things such as travel because you never got the chance (“I’ve always wanted to go to Fiji”) would probably be out of the question.

    There’s something about tonight’s dinner “play” that is distinct as well. The dark lighting, delicious dessert, and the effects of a Benadryl I had taken earlier casting a dreamy hazy over the scene of R and M at the dinner table, M in the kitchen, and B, L, and I sitting on the couch.

09/11/24

    H asks where I am, I tell him I took the train in the wrong direction: “Impressed you’re on the train though, gotta curb your Uber habit. That’s why you’re broke, like, you spend $50 a day on cars”.

    “I do my best thinking in cars”.

11/21/24

    Asoko grand opening. After work I went home to change. I left for Asoko early, around 7, and only planned to stay of a few hours. I sat alone at one of the high top tables and had a drink and Mentai Udon. Then another drink. And another. Then V arrived and I invited her and her friend to sit with me. I couldn’t believe the fun I was having. We had one drink, then another, and another. When I got up to go to the bathroom suddenly everyone I walked by was talking to me. D and I smoke a cigarette together in the pouring rain. I greet A’s parents who are sat in a large group on the tatami mats in the back. In line for the bathroom five different people talk to me. V, D and I are riffing so perfectly off each other I don’t bother floating around to the other groups of friends I know. I move to the tatami when V leaves and A’s parents head out. The chef of a popular restaurant chats me up. A neighbor from across the street is sat beside me, we partake in drinking random glasses of sake poured from the bottles on the table. When I leave I say goodbye to everyone and put on my Margiela rain jacket before getting in a black car heading home. It’s 3 am.

12/13/24

    For the first time since I could remember I took the train home. It’s 2:29 am, everyone on the train car is asleep. I closed my eyes too. When we reached my stop I just couldn’t get up. So I kept riding. When I finally got off at 116th, I walked to my apartment. The moon was huge and the night was so clear. Despite the cold I walked on. When I walked into the apartment, I took off my clothes and bundled up in the duvet. I fell asleep in no time.

12/31/24

    At 11:30 pm we leave the party without saying anything. I asked the driver to play the radio. It’s Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, the third movement. The finale plays as we pull up to the apartment. 5 minutes till the new year.