02/08/25

    We had spent all day in bed. I alternated from the living room floor then to the bed and back again, doing nothing all day but listening to the sounds of the TV. At some point, I watched from the floor of the living room Wong Kar-wai’s 2046. I’d completely forgotten that we had ordered takeout for breakfast by the time it was 5 pm but found I wasn’t hungry at all. The lighting in the apartment had grown dim and snow had begun to fall outside. Did we still want to go out? I could certainly be convinced not to.

    But by 10 pm we had gotten up and dressed and slid into a car that slowly crawled down the FDR heading to the East Village. The snow had piled up more than I had seen in a while but turned to icy rain by the time we arrived at the party. I regretted a few things already. The first, was wearing too many layers to a club and the second, was not wearing a hat and willingly standing outside to have a cigarette when I knew my hair would be ruined.

    Two hours or so of greeting people I didn't remember and rhythmically swaying to hardstyle techno was enough to satiate the need to be outside. And before we knew it we grabbed our jackets from coat check and called another car, splitting the ride with our companions to head back uptown.

2:00 am

    Maneuvering to the front seats after dropping J and T at their hotel, I turned the seat heaters on to the max. I changed the radio to 105.9 with the convenient back seat audio controls and marveled at how every ride share car should have this feature. Ravel was playing. I was warm now. The streets of the Upper West Side were quiet. There were a few shadowy figures walking with hoods up, hands in pockets in the rain that now fell in place of the snow. I wondered where they could be going. I observed two men jumping together over a slush puddle while we were stopped at a light.

    I closed my eyes and listened to the light flurry of the piano playing over the radio. This tune sounded like snow falling when no one is awake to see it. I imagined myself roaming the streets of New York freshly blanketed in snow. No one around, just insulated silence.

    We stood in the kitchen eating crackers with peanut butter since we hadn’t eaten all day and there was nothing better in the fridge. Silently snacking since we were too tired to talk. In the silence, I recalled being at a friends birthday recently. I watched from across the room, hand with a cigarette out an open window, at the friends spread throughout enjoying slices of the cake that had just been cut and not a beat before had the candles been blown out. Even just yesterday, we had celebrated H’s birthday with an equal swiftness. I guess I had begun feeling sad at the fleetingness of it all.

    That night I dreamt of coming across a pure white foal. I walked with it down a dirt road, endless prairie on each side. I sat under the shade of a tree to Google horse sanctuaries while it roamed in the grass. Before I realized, it had already grown full size and ran off.

Playlist

Gaspard de la Nuit “Ondine” - Maurice Ravel

Summer’s Gone - Honeydip

Oblivious - Galaxy 500

No Place to Fall - Townes Van Zandt

Alone - XXYYXX

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